Day One: 6th August, 2014.

Today was better, but that changes almost every fraction of every second. Maybe we all are like this, completely different human beings with each passing second, with something to make us unlike what we were a second ago; a new thought, seeing something new, learning something new. Maybe a new cell grew somewhere in our body, or a nail grew by a micrometer, or an eyelash fell, never to come back. Yes, we change with every second, with little variation to our past selves. 

Yesterday, I quite liked my classroom half- well, one third, really, empty. There was a sense of closeness, bonding. I spoke to other people, the “popular ones”, to whom I usually don’t. It’s such a strange society we live in, if I, for one, think to closely about it, sometimes, just sometimes, less of it starts to make sense, till it all seems unreal and ridiculous, and my head spins. The same goes for many things, maths, for example. The universe. It all seems unreal. None of it makes sense. Oh, maybe i need help.

I am sane, I assure you.

It started with the daily journey, and Lucas was actually there. It seemed almost strange, different at first, he hadn’t been there for weeks. Slowly, it felt normal again, and I was left wondering how we all felt normal without the presence of his tall frame, brown hair and golden brown eyes. And how it would be once he was busy again, or left in Junior Year. Heck, i am probably leaving in Junior Year, but i do not know. I’ not sure i want to. Maybe i become chief editor.  But boarding school has always been my dream. How i will I spend my last two years of school without Aileen or Samantha? I mean, even Margie is leaving. And it’s not like i can stand Sadie’s face. And Ailette has no interest in any friendship with any of us anymore. Sally will ditch me when convenient, and I really haven’t tried interacting with anyone else. Oh, discluding Rachel, and I suppose Sharon, but the two girls who are Alison’s best friends, well, second best friends since Sadie stuck to her like superglue, are not wise options. Oh, I’ll be fine, my school or boarding. Or will I? Will I ever know what to choose? Will it be the right decision? Will i stay up for entire nights, cursing myself for years after, for being an idiot?

Back to the topic, Lucas smiled at me. And yes, my heart skipped a beat. I know, I am weak.

Tiffany walked in at her stop. Gosh, I love that cutie. She sat at the back. A few minutes later, Lucas went and sat next to her, under the pretense of listening to her about her makeout session with Daniel. He didn’t come back to the seat across mine, though she stated flatly nothing happened, or would happen. He still sat there, though I whined out loud about him ditching me for my other bus best friend in the middle of a sentence. He didn’t say anything, really, or act like he heard me, even. Nor did he move, but he was still nice as ever. I wonder what all his mixed signals mean. Does he even think of me? or is his aim just sitting and flirting with all the eighth grader girls? Really, he should stick to girls our age. Hypocritical, I know, because well Aiden and Ash are freaking hot seniors, and let’s not even get started on the number of celebrities and fictional men I am in love with. Well, but that is different. For one, I do not love them. It’s my crazy, fangirl emotions. No, I have only ever loved Jason and Lucas. And second, its not like I talk to them! I mean, talking to Ash and Aiden is something I would never have the balls to do, and talking to fictional character is sadly not among the laws of the universe. Maybe parallel universes exist, run parallel to our world, never to be discovered. There would be an infinite number of them, all with little changes, little variations. One where Irene or Amanda never abandoned me. One where Samantha never did, one where Ailette never did, one where Sadie stayed the same. One where things never changed from seventh grade, and Molly and Brianne were still my best friends. One where Jason and me stayed close, and dated. One where Lucas actually loved me as something other than his oldest, best friend. One where I had a stunning figure, and one where I was popular. Maybe these parallel worlds really do exist, and we are even more insignificant than we could ever imagine, just a small possibility in one of the worlds that stretch infinitely into space and time, never to end. And this too, just for Earth. The universe does not end; so there have to be billions of other worlds, with other living creatures too.

Maybe there are infinite universes for every second ever ticking by since the beginning of time, in every world. Every second of every world having infinite parallel ones. A moment passed by in the Middle Ages, with a Princess leaning against her balcony in her cool stone tower, her hair blowing in the wind, a moment in the Prehistoric Times, a dinosaur running across Pangaea, colored with shades we never knew of, a moment Before Christ, where a South Asian temple was laden with flowers and gold, announcing the arrival of the priests. a moment in the future, a boy with more silver, perfectly working robotic organs than fleshy, blood filled ones watching the icy, pale blue, transparent waves lap up the shore of the now black dust filled beaches. All these, frozen in time, with a million parallel possibilities. And if they stretch on into the future too, then is it all written, decided aeons ago? Where does it end, then? Does anything end? These thoughts fascinate me, and terrify me.

Back to the topic, it feels amazing to write all this, my thoughts out, online, but somewhere no one will ever see. I wonder what others would say if they knew my thoughts ran so strange. I talk a lot, but most of it is gibberish, pertaining only to Boys, Books, Movies, Shows, People and my various panic/sugar attacks.  It makes me wonder, how much do we really know someone? How much do I really know Jason, or Lucas?

The test went rather well. there was a moment after, an all too familiar moment, where me and Aileen stood talking in the class, just us two, with no else to talk to, like a thousand times before. Everyone else were talking among themselves. I felt the familiar stab of exasperation I always did.

One of the first things i noticed from my seat: the doll was gone. I was looking idly out of the window, at the rows and rows of apartments, so close, separated only by one of the narrower stretches of school grounds; grass, mud and cement structures, a tall barbed wall, and a little concrete pavement beyond that. But they were all so tall. I counted them. Many times, to be sure. I do not remember, twenty-two, i think. Later it struck me I could ask Samantha, she lived in them I swallowed, remembering Amanda and Irene did too. No wonder they were still close. People sucked.

Day before yesterday, the boys of our class had been crowding in front of my desk, pointing at the window, shouting and laughing. I ignored them, thinking it was only their usual rubbish. Then I looked over, my eyes scanning the rows and rows and columns and columns of large windows, balconies, and small bathroom windows, till my eyes stopped, not too late after, at an open bathroom window. It was actually rather close, almost directly in my line of vision. There was a large doll sitting on top of, a washer maybe. All other windows were closed, curtains drawn, because of the sweltering heat. And that large, ugly, plain cloth doll, placed sideways, smiling at something inside the bathroom gave me chills. It was dark inside the bathroom, too. I poked the back of the boy in front of me, thinking it was Sav or someone, “Are you guys freaking out over that creep ass doll?”. I was surprised when Nick turned around, and confirmed my suspicion, with a friendly smile. Popular Nick, not overly attractive, but cool, and interacting only with Ailette, Mansey and Rita. Strange.

"The doll murdered the owner, we saw him yesterday!" Kent whispered conspiratorially, laughing a little.

"Right." I said with an eye-roll. "Creepy."

In Subject Three, Miss told me to get some photocopies of some worksheets. Sharon volunteered to got with me, and after checking some places, we went to library. The librarian, bitchy and intolerable as ever, screamed at us. Ugh.

When we had been standing in the doorway, and Miss had turned around to say something, I noticed the classroom with the door facing us. PE was being held there. Strange. I thought it would be in the field. Lucas was sitting with some other guys in front of the open door. He was waving to me, and i waved back energetically. He waved again, I wonder why. Sometimes in the moment, when we’re nervous, or distracted, we do slightly silly things. On my way up to my classroom, I passed E. I thought I saw someone, but for once, I wasn’t tempted to look in any other way than out of the corner of my eye. Of course, i was thinking of Jason. On my way up after class, I glanced in while passing. It was Jason, bunking PE. More often than sensible, I wonder what eh even thinks when he sees me. If he thinks anything, of course. I stopped thinking of us as “almost lovers”, “tragically beautiful” and “meant to be” years ago. But I hope he feels something. Or thinks. He didn’t look up. I always look up if someone passes by, I am directly across the door and the only living soul in the room. Hell, I was across the door till Miss changed the arrangement and looked up even in the middle of class. He never glances inside while passing with Matty either. Is it because he knows where my seat is? Of course not, I am ridiculous. Like he even gives me two seconds of his thoughts a day.

I flash back to Eight A.M today. Me, Tiffany, Lucas, Anderson and Harry walked out together, laughing. Another bus pulled up a few buses away from where ours had been. I hated myself for recognizing it, I felt like a stalker. Tiff squealed. Bitch knew I like Lucas. I didn’t catch Lucas’s expression. Annoyed, bored or not caring, probably. Halfway to the red doors, Harry turned to me.

"Did you pick up your register? It fell down."

I groaned. I remembered suddenly, my register lying open, balancing precariously over the edge of the seat when i had happened to glance there, and it not being there when I packed my back. Frick.

"Come with me?" I asked.

"Uh. no." he said in his usual jokingly mean tone.

"Fine." Iran back to get it, telling our bus lady i dropped a book. One chance Jason had of seeing me laugh with Lucas, gone, poof. Well, provided Luke was in talking mood, and Jason was sitting next to windows facing the walkway, not the tress and massive generator shed.

On walking back, I saw Beth, Rita’s best friend, and Katie’s best friend. Katie and Rita were not best friends, nor were Ailette and Beth, or Ailette and Katie. Funny, almost.

I said hi, and she said hi back, and I asked her if she was done studying when right where I had left them, under the tree were my four bus buddies. They yelled my name. I felt my face break into a smile.

"You guys waited! Thanks." I exclaimed.

Tiff: “Right? We’re like, fabulous.”

Harry: “Yeah loser, you love us.”

Anderson: “Well, yeah, they made me wait.”

Lucas: “Oh, you’re touched? As long as your touched, worth it.”

I wonder what he meant by that. I saw Jason’s brother get out of the bus. I don’t know if Jason even saw anything that had happened, but whatever.

On the way up, Tiff went in her direction, Anderson in his, and i thought Harry was behind me. I was talking to Lucas, who was walking slightly ahead. Ugh, Loser. I looked below me, and one floor below, climbing the steps, looking sourly at me was Jason.

"He looked at me!" I squealed.

"Which he?" Lucas asked. Super valid question. One my friends ask every tome I talk of a male using a pronoun, to piss me of, but of, how was poor Luke to know I liked him and Jason a bit? Lmao.

"The seventh grade one!" I said.

He shook his head. I don’t remember what he said. It was only later, when I was alone, that the usual panic gripped me. Did I have to be so loud? What if Jason had heard me? I was a fool.

He turned into his corridor, I had one floor to go. There were a lot of people behind me, so I stopped, waiting for harry. A second later, Not Harry, but Jason moved my way, l froze, whipped my head in the other direction, confused, and resumed walking, faster. It had felt like I was waiting for him. He must not have thought so, but it looked that way. I let these things bother me too much. I didn’t stop or turn back, to eve check, terrified to give him a wrong idea. I could NOT have him think I liked him. Nope. That crap was way over.

Later it occurred to me, maybe he turned into the washroom the second he saw me. Maybe he followed Jason’s route, going from the longer way. Maybe he stopped to talk to some senior friend a minute later. I was ridiculous.

School was actually fine, more or less. In the afternoon, I sat in my usual seat, Tiff next to me, Lucas and Anderson across us. It felt like the old times

  • Lucas and I flirted.
  • He was so nice.
  • Me and Tiff spoke of him and Jason in our codenames, or the codenames to our codenames. and Percy seemed kind of curious, but of course, would not ask me directly whom I liked, convinced it was Seth. Well, its not Seth, but damn Seth’s booty, he was hot.            Me: Only Harry and Tiff know.                                 Lucas: Right. I do too
    Me: Right, who?                                                               Lucas: *confused, slightly, unsure* Seth or Jason.
  • Tiff, who is on the same emotional crush maturity level as me, bless her, she was all “No, I pinky swear on everything-and i never break those-that it isn’t Seth or Jason.” Then she elaborately asked me, what is the main guy’s section. Pfft. Main guy as in Lucas. Sitting next to us. Staring in adorable bewilderment. And I knew his class fully well. “I don’t know!” I said. I knew he would say something to that: “You don’t? Wtf man.”
    "I do! I mean I think I do!! Whatever." I whispered it in her ear. It felt nice, him having no idea it was him.
  • I told them of how this chick said me and Sally look similar: round faces, fair skin, slanted eyes. Tiff was all, “No!” She thinks I’m pretty. Lucas said “No man, she’s a different size, fatter and you’re not chinky.” I was so happy.
  • After we left, Tiff turned to me, saying, “He totally likes you! He was being so nice, and he keeps saying you’re hot, and I saw his eyes when I was talking of your crush, he seemed sad!” And then I had one of the same memory flashback things I had in the morning, for the first time ever, where the second someone said something, I could think back and remember exactly, but I didn’t think of it until then, like my subconscious stored it. And I remembered. His eyes seemed sad. But before he had walked in, he walked towards Nikki the Slut, and gave her the same smile I got, outside Subject Three class. And I reminded myself of all the mixed signals.